I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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