i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
