I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
