i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I checked into jail on foursquare
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
