my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
