i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
