my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
