Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
