I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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