i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
