My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Randomize
