hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I want to fling myself into the sun
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
