Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
