The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
