i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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