you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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