The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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