Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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