I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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