Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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