Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
