I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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