ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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