thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
