Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
