why didn't you poke me back
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
