No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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