get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
They took my balls.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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