I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
