so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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