Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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