my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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