I think my fart just growled at me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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