I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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