peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
