tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
