just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
