Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
