you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
