I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
