I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
