Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
