i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
i've created a new STD.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Randomize
