he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dick very happy bro
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
