I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
