I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
