So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
