My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
