when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
