That's when you crack a 10am beer
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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