Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
