i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He called his prostate his "boner button".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
