i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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