Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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