why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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